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le fin absolue du monde questionable reality 

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
пятница, 18 января 2019 г.
m3ss4ge to a nobody questionable reality 11:22:11
i am just another human being, im not talented, i dont strive for anything great in life, im just another animal of a kind. I am what you would call just a human pelt. A body to use, giving a reason for its worthless space taking life. And i dont mean sexually, more of eventually fulfilling somebody’s living, what our society calls a marriage. If not, i’ll try to live quietly, without interfering with other animal’s livings. Other than that, i am a nobody. A little nobody living in their zone of comfort, which at some point i have realised, finding pathetic. but there isnt anything i can do about it. I could learn basic skills like other humans do, in order to survive in the community. But i am talentless, im not good in sciences nor mathematics, although, i like art, but what im capable of isnt enough to express it. besides, i’ve lost hope in humans being able to understand the art. I think, as a human race - we failed. and im no exception. The only think im certain about that i am capable of - is thinking. a skill that most of our generation isnt capable of anymore. their lives are filled with the innovations of our society that does everything ,preventingthem from thinking. So much entertainment, they have no need to fill their heads with thoughts. but its no news, just an obvious fact that people tend to ignore. Which i think is even more pathetic than my enjoyment of my comfort zone. I am physically satisfied of my living to no limitations, but i ache inside. I ache from the lack of hope of this world. I am disappointed. Its hard to believe that this is life - and thats as far as it gets. Its so disappointing to realise that im just another organism, living on this one planet out of numberless in the universe, just another small organism living its sad life, in the made up society that we think is created morally correct, we? not even me, i was born in someone’s imaginary world. the regulations that are set upon this world are not even real. but being carried away, this is not the main point. the point is that, life is an experiment. my life is just another experiment of 8 billions on this planet, of the human race. i have only known pleasure in life, sadness as well. ive been in the despair, but i have never been to the bottom. i ache, because i lack the understanding and the knowledge of the reality. i ache, because im a nobody, and its the truth of the fact. i ache, because i question the point of MY life. i ache from people’s stupidity and ignorance. thats where my story starts with you. i am glad to have met you, somebody who sees beyond what is ethical. someone, i believe is a thinker too, yet stuck in the grey routine of the reality. we arent getting any time, we are just losing it. second by second. and i think you understand it. Yet, i dont wanna create any philosopher out of myself, i am an animal with basic instincts. i could’ve said that my interest and admiration of you has grown into feelings, but who, from all of the people i know, knows that they dont really have its place, more than you. your existence gives me certain emotional impulses, but giving it a thought, i think that youre right. Freud is right, and all of our decisions are based on sex. my interest in you was based on it, for sure. my emotions are based on it. my care for you is no more than sexual drive and respect in admiration. if it was broken down, theres no more to that. i like speaking to a person like you. consequently, i am capable of nothing but think and suck on all of the knowledge i can fit in my brainpan. I also think that one of the steps towards relieving the unbearable pains within, is hitting the bottom. I am fond of despair, pain, hopelessness because i think that the world (the world that we know) is truly consistent of that, all my pleasures and comfort is just an illusion that i used to live in, but i awoke. my life is just an experiment and i want to get to the bottom of understanding. Due to myself just being another basic animal, i dont dare deny it. the common instinct of self survival wouldnt let me ‘hit the bottom’, truly understand and concur the pain that we know. I believe physical pain evolves into the one within, the knowledge of this life’s horrors. My flesh is just a road to take towards the inspiration and enlightenment of my mind. or so, that is my belief. As in, for you. You bring hope to my life for gaining that enlightenment. apart from that yourself attracting me in an animal way. You think, you became my online friend. now i understand that your presence helped me understand what i want better. or in other words, my unexplainable ‘feelings’ for you were questioned, and i attempted to find an answer to it. You raise a curiosity in me. and for now, you are the only person i think i can share such ideas with. apart from that, despite our miles away, i would trust you with helping me understand all the despairs of the world that i live in - one of the versions of this world, the one i try to understand. i mean, we all have our sets of eyes, and i explained how i see with mine. The other nights requests that i made, were out of nowhere. I was hit with a sudden emptiness and void, i didnt know why and was unsure if you wanted to know. eventually my mind was suffering from an unknown encounter. i didnt have the power of words to express it. not knowing why, but leading me to the desire of being hurt by you. so maybe, heres why, the concept that would answer your questions. youre quite an important figure of my conclusions lately, so i wanted to be honoured to be hurt in a special way, maybe with some feeling towards me, apart from the cold satisfaction of seeing somebody getting hurt. i didnt wanna be a somebody. i still dont, and thats the answer my questions were targeted for, which i was still unsure about. unsure whether youd enjoy my pain any more than other people you know. but then again, i think im a web nobody to you. but its not the point, again. Coming to a conclusion as to why i said all this - i woke up with a clear mind, and it was hurting.

Like i said, i like art, but im not an artist. yet. I think i could turn my life into a canvas, which could be made into a masterpiece with my living suffering, which i think a person who understands my art, such as yourself could be the right assistant for.
вторник, 8 января 2019 г.
questionable reality 20:05:11
Запись только для меня.
понедельник, 7 января 2019 г.
questionable reality 09:59:20
Запись только для меня.
среда, 26 декабря 2018 г.
questionable reality 13:23:25
Запись только для меня.
понедельник, 24 декабря 2018 г.
maybe im dying questionable reality 11:41:24

limitless numbers of questions come to your mind when you get diagnonised a pre-cancerous illness at the age where you havent lived enough to know about life as much as you thought you did

how do i continue living knowing that im dying

how do i continue living knowing i might not make it to my 26

at least i'll join the 27 club
пятница, 21 декабря 2018 г.
questionable reality 19:53:38
Запись только для друзей.
lucid living questionable reality 11:38:57
To get your head around the concept of lucid living you must accept that you arent a person - a person is just a view from which you're seeing a dream.

A person - the subject, that observes an ever changing appearance, which is time.

Time doesn't exist outside of the dream.

Who are you then?

You're an observer, you're THE dreamer, you're the awareness, that observes the dream that everyone does, only under the certain angle.

Now you know this.

And you're the awareness.

And you're out of time.

You're infinite.

You're a vacuum consistent of experiences.

You are timeless awareness dreaming itself to be a person in time.
среда, 22 августа 2018 г.
/// questionable reality 08:20:27
все умрут а я изумруд.
суббота, 18 августа 2018 г.
/// questionable reality 12:44:38
девушки, это только у меня наблюдается магнит на ебанутых на голову парней
ну или женатых
или с детьми
среда, 25 июля 2018 г.
questionable reality 09:31:50
Запись только для друзей.
среда, 27 сентября 2017 г.
Просыпаясь утром, в промозглой от... questionable reality 23:17:35
Просыпаясь утром, в промозглой от холода комнате, не смея пошевелится или вылезти из под одеяла, (но все равно подченившись обязонностям) занимаясь целый день неимоверно нудными проэктами и невероятно напрягющими курсовыми, так и вспоминается лето на пляжах, с дорогущими коктейлями, и наивкуснейшими десертами, громкими вечеринками и яркими людьми.

Заберите обратно D:<

воскресенье, 24 сентября 2017 г.
! questionable reality 00:40:43
chase you? bitch, i dont even chase my liquor.
понедельник, 4 сентября 2017 г.
01:10 questionable reality 22:12:32
На самом деле очень приятно замечать свой рост. А именно я имею ввиду духовный. Но не приятно замечать все ошибки, которые называют "жизненными уроками". Приятно замечать что теперь я знаю, что такое настоящие фатальные ошибки. Возможно не ошибки. Они возвысили меня на еще одну ступень развития. Теперь то и приятно замечать, насколько многие (как мне казалось) бывшие друзья и знакомые ничтожны. Нет, у меня не завышенный чсв, у меня просто поменялся менталитет благодаря новому обществу. В нынешнее время я считаю, что я выросла, я "познала дзен". Я вижу никчемность во многих меня окружающих людях, и я вижу чем же выше их я. Я чувствую как я достигла вверх пищевой цепи. Звучит смешно, но яснее свою мысль я и не могу выразить. Но все бы ничего, если бы не мои "ошибки", мои любимые катастрофы, бедствия, мои зайки. Именно они меня привели к такому исходу. Ошибки поменяли свои сути, они больше не о "правильно ли я сделала, будучи с ним" или "стоило ли мне его бросать". Господи, какие же все эти люди были тупы, и господи, моя вина, как же я могла им доверять??? Теперь, смотря на себя со стороны, я понимаю насколько же я была никчемна, как и они. Мужчины, цветы, подарки, теплые слова - чем не промывка мозгов? Женщины, шмотки, кино, базар за жизнь - что за бред? Мне так надоело слушать про твоих бойфрендов, новые сумочки.

Открекшись от всего обыднного, что так ценит наше общество, приходится и упасть в отчаяние. Теперь я одна. Не помню последнего раза когда мне написали спросить как я. Не часто я встречаюсь с людьми. Не думаю что кому то есть до этого дело.


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